Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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