I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
