Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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