I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
