Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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