When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we're making bets on your personal life
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
sex in a hospital.. check
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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