life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
