Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
