maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
