You just made me feel so damn special
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
