My sheets look like a crime scene.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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