i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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