I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
