I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
