I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
