There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
