We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
