you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
