Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
