i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
