You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
