She is in my trunk
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
