Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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