my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
