Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
