he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
