I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
