dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
