I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
