I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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