we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
