He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
