i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
