The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
are you so shy because you have an std?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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