It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
