Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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