I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
