Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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