you guys were way drunker than both of me
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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