dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
