Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
