Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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