my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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