Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
