hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
