You smell like a Billy Joel song
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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