Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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