If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
two words: eviction party
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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