im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
