20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
